Improve your relationships with the science of perspective-taking

Social psychology research is breaking down the process of perspective-taking and revealing ways to help us get along better

By Hunter Gehlbach

The acrimonious exchanges between overly invested parents and underpaid youth soccer referees are almost their own spectator sport. Acts of offensive shouting and name-calling are defended with imperious warnings and penalty cards. Neutral onlookers would swear that the arguing sides had witnessed completely different events. However ridiculous this game-day behaviour may seem, it epitomises why so many of our relationships go awry.

The inferences we draw about the thoughts, feelings and motivations of others are a core building block of our relationships, but these inferences require effort and can often be misguided. It’s easy to see the barriers that the opposing soccer factions face in taking each others’ perspectives. Parents’ track record of objectivity and rationality when it comes to their children is suspect at best. Mix in a competitive outcome, pride on both sides, and the refs’ tiring schedules, and it becomes easy to see why perspective-taking suffers.

As a social psychologist, I am convinced that understanding how people make inferences about others through their social perspective-taking attempts is key to improving relationships, whether we’re talking about soccer parents and referees, spouses, colleagues or political rivals.